Yesterday I took the advice of my doctor and contacted Cruse Bereavement Care Scotland. I wasn't quite sure how much to say or what not to say so instead I sent a link to my previous post on this blog and hoped that it would explain better than I could in a few words. I started off by telling them first of all that it was my GP who insisted that I should contact them "as a matter of urgency" he said, although I didn't reiterate that. I sent my e-mail along with my telephone number as requested on their site so that they could contact me. However, it seems there was little to discuss as they sent their reply by e-mail...
Thank you for your email.
I’m so sorry to hear about the struggles you are having. We only offer support to people who are bereaved following a death. Is it support following your mum and Paul’s
death you are looking for or support to deal with the loss of your dad? I wonder if Altziemer Scotland might be of support?
...and I wonder if they read my post at all. They signed off at that and I immediately sank into my chair, deflated and pissed off. I hadn't realised that I had to choose one or the other. I don't need advice on how to look after my dad's mental health. If anything, it's my understanding of him that keeps him going from strength to strength. It's always going to be sad that I'm not known to him as his daughter but no matter how many times it causes me to shed a tear, I can't change it. I know this. I'm as fine as I can ever be with it. So thanks Cruse Bereavement Care, I think I've got this. Sorry to have bothered you.
I took my dad out for coffee and cake and we ventured around Asda with the shopping trolley attached to his chair. I hadn't thought of using the trolleys for disabled people before and it was great. Dad was in his element with the feeling that he was helping.
Back in the car, we listened to the radio on the way home.
"I'd like a request please for my friend (X) who is getting married on ....."
"Don't do it!" I joked. "There's still time to change your mind!"
Dad laughed then said, "It never did you any harm."
"What didn't?" I asked.
"Being married," he replied.
With more than one divorce under my belt I knew immediately where this conversation was going.
"I'm not married any more dad," I said. He looked blankly ahead. "You were married for 63 years though." I continued. "That's a long time to suffer!"
He laughed. "Aye, so I am." Am....not was. "WE!" he corrected himself. "What am I saying....I. I mean WE." He looked at me and smiled.
I smiled back, then said as gentle as I could. "We're not married dad. I'm your daughter, Lorraine. You were married to my mother...Anne."
He looked bewildered with a slight smile on his face...unsure and confused but accepting in a sense what I was saying even though it wasn't what he expected to hear.
"My mother isn't here anymore dad, but I am," I said. Trying to make light of it I carried on, "At least you don't get nagged every day. You're a bit spoiled now I think. Don't you?"
"Aye!" he said, brightening up a bit. "Aye, I couldn't ask for anything more. It's a great life right enough."
We went home and he settled into his recliner with Columbo for the fkn millionth time on the telly. I didn't complain, and he was happy.
By tomorrow I'll be his wife again. Oh well...
Trying to take time for myself isn't as easy as people think. I can't pick and choose my dates so readily. If something comes up that I would like to attend with specific dates already decided, I can't put myself forward until I can ensure my dad can go to respite. I booked myself a little getaway for March for my eldest grandson and I to have some bonding time. I am also throwing myself back into the sugar world as much as I am able and starting with regaining my title as an Accredited Demonstrator for the British Sugarcraft Guild. I was excited to think that I could go to the seminar in April and be accredited before the end of next year. But I couldn't get the respite cover I needed for any of the dates required so I am waiting to know if I can escape in May with my grandson instead. The next seminar is in September, 2019. Another year gone...but I can wait. I won't give up. I'll be there.
Dad is going to respite this weekend as it happens. More than anything, I need to sleep. Just one night where I am not wakened by his bathroom shuffle and a day where I can stay in my pj's without a care in the world!
This morning I went to the kitchen and saw that Poppy (dug) hadleft a parcel shit on the floor. She was out late enough last night for this not to be so but accidents happen. She can accredit medication for this laid back reaction. Ordinarily her arse would be kicked to the moon and back. I cleaned it up as she looked on with a bowed head. No treats today dug!
It's raining hard but we're heading out. Staying indoors all day isn't good and I need some fresh air. I hope Poppy will be okay while we're out. I didn't push the cork in too far....
Have a good one! x
I took my dad out for coffee and cake and we ventured around Asda with the shopping trolley attached to his chair. I hadn't thought of using the trolleys for disabled people before and it was great. Dad was in his element with the feeling that he was helping.
Back in the car, we listened to the radio on the way home.
"I'd like a request please for my friend (X) who is getting married on ....."
"Don't do it!" I joked. "There's still time to change your mind!"
Dad laughed then said, "It never did you any harm."
"What didn't?" I asked.
"Being married," he replied.
With more than one divorce under my belt I knew immediately where this conversation was going.
"I'm not married any more dad," I said. He looked blankly ahead. "You were married for 63 years though." I continued. "That's a long time to suffer!"
He laughed. "Aye, so I am." Am....not was. "WE!" he corrected himself. "What am I saying....I. I mean WE." He looked at me and smiled.
I smiled back, then said as gentle as I could. "We're not married dad. I'm your daughter, Lorraine. You were married to my mother...Anne."
He looked bewildered with a slight smile on his face...unsure and confused but accepting in a sense what I was saying even though it wasn't what he expected to hear.
"My mother isn't here anymore dad, but I am," I said. Trying to make light of it I carried on, "At least you don't get nagged every day. You're a bit spoiled now I think. Don't you?"
"Aye!" he said, brightening up a bit. "Aye, I couldn't ask for anything more. It's a great life right enough."
We went home and he settled into his recliner with Columbo for the fkn millionth time on the telly. I didn't complain, and he was happy.
By tomorrow I'll be his wife again. Oh well...
Trying to take time for myself isn't as easy as people think. I can't pick and choose my dates so readily. If something comes up that I would like to attend with specific dates already decided, I can't put myself forward until I can ensure my dad can go to respite. I booked myself a little getaway for March for my eldest grandson and I to have some bonding time. I am also throwing myself back into the sugar world as much as I am able and starting with regaining my title as an Accredited Demonstrator for the British Sugarcraft Guild. I was excited to think that I could go to the seminar in April and be accredited before the end of next year. But I couldn't get the respite cover I needed for any of the dates required so I am waiting to know if I can escape in May with my grandson instead. The next seminar is in September, 2019. Another year gone...but I can wait. I won't give up. I'll be there.
Dad is going to respite this weekend as it happens. More than anything, I need to sleep. Just one night where I am not wakened by his bathroom shuffle and a day where I can stay in my pj's without a care in the world!
This morning I went to the kitchen and saw that Poppy (dug) had
It's raining hard but we're heading out. Staying indoors all day isn't good and I need some fresh air. I hope Poppy will be okay while we're out. I didn't push the cork in too far....
Have a good one! x
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