With holiday season well behind us along with dad's birthday, the one thing I looked forward to at the end of January was getting away for a couple of days to refresh and recharge my batteries. I didn't send dad to respite in December which I now know was a mistake although his short spell in hospital gave me a couple of nights to myself. That's not quite the same and certainly not my preference for him not being around at home. This year I have most of my dates chosen and already organised for his respite visits. I now understand and know the importance of taking that short time for myself. Even when I don't think I'm tired, my body contradicts me...for once in my life, I am listening.
Dad has been doing just fine. In fact, my sleep is very rarely interrupted by his regular visits to the bathroom during the night. What once was up to 6 visits has now been reduced to 2 at most. The only thing that wakes me up are my all too regular nightmares. I don't know how to resolve that but hope that as the months progress and our situation improves that everything will fall into a much happier and relaxed place.
Not that my dad isn't relaxed or happy....he is well cushioned in his own bubble on his own planet. A great place to be. I join him there often when things in the real world dismay and disappoint. I'll come back to that later....
I booked myself in to Knock Castle for a weekend of spa treatments and relaxation. It was a birthday and Christmas gift to myself. Dad's first respite in two months was very much welcomed but as the weekend got closer, I began to feel daunted at the thought of being on my own. I needn't have worried. My close friend, Michelle, called me only days before I was due to leave. Although she lives in Manchester, she didn't think twice about driving to Scotland to spend some time with dad and me (which was her original intention) before taking him to respite then going as a twosome for a weekend of treatments, relaxation and a deep cleansing of the pores....courtesy of copious bottles of Prosecco and Pinot!
From the moment she arrived, we never stopped talking. More importantly we never stopped laughing. I don't know the last time I heard myself belly laugh. Maybe the wine helped a bit but I think it was the sheer need to unwind and just 'be'.
I realise that when I talk about my dad that a lot of the stories are pretty funny. Most of the situations aren't meant to be humourous but if humour can't be found in them I think it would be quite necessary to plead insanity and give up.
He is still spreading his snotty, wet hanky over the arm of the recliner to 'dry' although I do remove it swiftly, ignoring his stern glare. I have managed to stop him laying it over the radiator only because I see the hanky in his hand before he tries to get off the recliner (which could take anything up to 3 days unaided) and plan his route across the floor towards it.
His new habit is to take his teeth out while he sits beside me and poke around his mouth with his finger. 🙈
I do let him know that it isn't a pleasant thing to do. I know that I'll be keeping a more watchful eye on him after he has finished eating to at least try and intervene before the teeth make their way out into the open again. Please don't let my senses let me down!
Dad and I are doing so well as we are. It has now been 7 months since my mother passed away. When I look back to the first day she went into hospital and realised that she wouldn't be coming back home it felt like a ton of bricks had tumbled down on top of me. All the decisions and phone calls to be made, the paperwork and complicated issues that they brought with some still ongoing. The care plan for my dad being the most important. The realisation that none of our lives would ever be the same again. His most definitely was going to improve in every aspect with having me around 24 hours a day. Mine taking a completely new path and not knowing if I had the skills or the heart to follow it to the end.
But now I do.
Imagine this scenario. Imagine if there was someone who could have shared the burden of care for my dad, who could have been there throughout my mother's illnesses from years ago until her death. Imagine if together we'd have been able to make life a little easier for each other and let my mother die with at least one of us by her side and not the nurse who was on night duty, instead of rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night leaving my dad alone in the house asleep in his bed for as long as I dared before driving back home. I was able to tell my mother all I needed to tell her (and that included you my dear sister) and hoped that she would go with more peace than bitterness and hurt, and also that she would forgive my departure before her last breath.
For the past 15 years I have been looked upon as an only child. It was easier in the workplace to not go down the route of explaining why my sister didn't exist in my life. Jealousy, petulance and the inability to step down from the heirarchical position she bestowed herself drove my only sister to make the worst decision she could ever make in her entire life. Never to speak to me or see me again is one thing, I could live with that no problem. But to cut off the parents who brought up, spoiled and stood up for over a trivial issue is inexplicable to me.
My daughter and I had a long conversation with my mother who left this world worrying about what she was leaving behind. Due to Scottish Law, the Will she intended wasn't really worth the paper it was written on. It isn't possible to disinherit your spouse or children. They are entitled to their lawful share but this being said, they don't have to accept it. My mother reached out to her eldest daughter over the years and got no response in return.
It didn't take the same daughter long to pen a hand written response to my Lawyer when she was informed of her legal rights.
Money talks....she accepted without conscience.
15 years without contact. 15 years not knowing three grandchildren. 15 years without any responsibility for elderly parents who really did nothing to deserve this idiocy.
I care less about the money or the amount. It has surely unmasked a hypocrite. The full details are personal but would shock anyone should I write them down publicly. But one day, they will be written.
There was no need to follow your wishes and have her removed from your funeral Mother. She never showed up. To fight against the Law would be futile even though I told you I would, I already knew I couldn't. But the Law is being reviewed Mother. Let's hope it is before my Dad comes to join you...unless Karma steps in first.
I sat with dad having coffee the other day, feeling a bit despondent prior to the meeting with the Solicitor. A lady by the name of Toni approached us, excusing herself for being so bold as to come and say 'hello'. I didn't know her but she knew me through my Facebook page and has followed me throughout my journey in the cake world. She just wanted to let me know how amazing this blog is and how I deal with and view life which inspires so many. This adoration couldn't have come at a better time. It was a lovely conversation and it gave me the boost I needed to get back to sharing the day to day living with dad without his 'real' wife and my mother.
After February, the financial saga will be over and I hope never to have to bring it up ever again. I have no forgiveness for the family I no longer know and who dad doesn't remember existed in the first place. Life goes on and our lives surely will...in peace.
To absent family...enjoy your spills with the conscience of the devil. You have no Father, but don't feel bad. Neither do I. I answer to Anne most of the time. Although I am not happy that he has Dementia, I have great satisfaction that he has no memory of you at all. I will continue to protect and care for him for as long as he lives. I hope above all hope that I live to see him out...as I'm sure you do too. Think about that...
Thank you Toni for your kind words to dad and me. Their timing and meaning were perfect.
Dad has been doing just fine. In fact, my sleep is very rarely interrupted by his regular visits to the bathroom during the night. What once was up to 6 visits has now been reduced to 2 at most. The only thing that wakes me up are my all too regular nightmares. I don't know how to resolve that but hope that as the months progress and our situation improves that everything will fall into a much happier and relaxed place.
Not that my dad isn't relaxed or happy....he is well cushioned in his own bubble on his own planet. A great place to be. I join him there often when things in the real world dismay and disappoint. I'll come back to that later....
I booked myself in to Knock Castle for a weekend of spa treatments and relaxation. It was a birthday and Christmas gift to myself. Dad's first respite in two months was very much welcomed but as the weekend got closer, I began to feel daunted at the thought of being on my own. I needn't have worried. My close friend, Michelle, called me only days before I was due to leave. Although she lives in Manchester, she didn't think twice about driving to Scotland to spend some time with dad and me (which was her original intention) before taking him to respite then going as a twosome for a weekend of treatments, relaxation and a deep cleansing of the pores....courtesy of copious bottles of Prosecco and Pinot!
From the moment she arrived, we never stopped talking. More importantly we never stopped laughing. I don't know the last time I heard myself belly laugh. Maybe the wine helped a bit but I think it was the sheer need to unwind and just 'be'.
I realise that when I talk about my dad that a lot of the stories are pretty funny. Most of the situations aren't meant to be humourous but if humour can't be found in them I think it would be quite necessary to plead insanity and give up.
He is still spreading his snotty, wet hanky over the arm of the recliner to 'dry' although I do remove it swiftly, ignoring his stern glare. I have managed to stop him laying it over the radiator only because I see the hanky in his hand before he tries to get off the recliner (which could take anything up to 3 days unaided) and plan his route across the floor towards it.
His new habit is to take his teeth out while he sits beside me and poke around his mouth with his finger. 🙈
I do let him know that it isn't a pleasant thing to do. I know that I'll be keeping a more watchful eye on him after he has finished eating to at least try and intervene before the teeth make their way out into the open again. Please don't let my senses let me down!
Dad and I are doing so well as we are. It has now been 7 months since my mother passed away. When I look back to the first day she went into hospital and realised that she wouldn't be coming back home it felt like a ton of bricks had tumbled down on top of me. All the decisions and phone calls to be made, the paperwork and complicated issues that they brought with some still ongoing. The care plan for my dad being the most important. The realisation that none of our lives would ever be the same again. His most definitely was going to improve in every aspect with having me around 24 hours a day. Mine taking a completely new path and not knowing if I had the skills or the heart to follow it to the end.
But now I do.
Imagine this scenario. Imagine if there was someone who could have shared the burden of care for my dad, who could have been there throughout my mother's illnesses from years ago until her death. Imagine if together we'd have been able to make life a little easier for each other and let my mother die with at least one of us by her side and not the nurse who was on night duty, instead of rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night leaving my dad alone in the house asleep in his bed for as long as I dared before driving back home. I was able to tell my mother all I needed to tell her (and that included you my dear sister) and hoped that she would go with more peace than bitterness and hurt, and also that she would forgive my departure before her last breath.
For the past 15 years I have been looked upon as an only child. It was easier in the workplace to not go down the route of explaining why my sister didn't exist in my life. Jealousy, petulance and the inability to step down from the heirarchical position she bestowed herself drove my only sister to make the worst decision she could ever make in her entire life. Never to speak to me or see me again is one thing, I could live with that no problem. But to cut off the parents who brought up, spoiled and stood up for over a trivial issue is inexplicable to me.
My daughter and I had a long conversation with my mother who left this world worrying about what she was leaving behind. Due to Scottish Law, the Will she intended wasn't really worth the paper it was written on. It isn't possible to disinherit your spouse or children. They are entitled to their lawful share but this being said, they don't have to accept it. My mother reached out to her eldest daughter over the years and got no response in return.
It didn't take the same daughter long to pen a hand written response to my Lawyer when she was informed of her legal rights.
Money talks....she accepted without conscience.
15 years without contact. 15 years not knowing three grandchildren. 15 years without any responsibility for elderly parents who really did nothing to deserve this idiocy.
I care less about the money or the amount. It has surely unmasked a hypocrite. The full details are personal but would shock anyone should I write them down publicly. But one day, they will be written.
There was no need to follow your wishes and have her removed from your funeral Mother. She never showed up. To fight against the Law would be futile even though I told you I would, I already knew I couldn't. But the Law is being reviewed Mother. Let's hope it is before my Dad comes to join you...unless Karma steps in first.
I sat with dad having coffee the other day, feeling a bit despondent prior to the meeting with the Solicitor. A lady by the name of Toni approached us, excusing herself for being so bold as to come and say 'hello'. I didn't know her but she knew me through my Facebook page and has followed me throughout my journey in the cake world. She just wanted to let me know how amazing this blog is and how I deal with and view life which inspires so many. This adoration couldn't have come at a better time. It was a lovely conversation and it gave me the boost I needed to get back to sharing the day to day living with dad without his 'real' wife and my mother.
After February, the financial saga will be over and I hope never to have to bring it up ever again. I have no forgiveness for the family I no longer know and who dad doesn't remember existed in the first place. Life goes on and our lives surely will...in peace.
To absent family...enjoy your spills with the conscience of the devil. You have no Father, but don't feel bad. Neither do I. I answer to Anne most of the time. Although I am not happy that he has Dementia, I have great satisfaction that he has no memory of you at all. I will continue to protect and care for him for as long as he lives. I hope above all hope that I live to see him out...as I'm sure you do too. Think about that...
Thank you Toni for your kind words to dad and me. Their timing and meaning were perfect.
Let them live with the Guilt !! There can be no comparison to the role you have played and continue to do ! A True Wonderful Human being who is better than they could ever be! Chin up
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your dad is doing better and than you got to get away with Michelle!
ReplyDelete