Today it's pouring with rain so dad and I aren't going anywhere. It's a day for staying indoors for sure which means dad nods off a lot and awakes suddenly saying, "Do you want a cup of tea?" while trying to get himself off the recliner...without much success. At least this allows me time to get up and take over the task he requests, telling him to sit back and relax and I'll take care of it. I couldn't possibly make all the cups of tea he asks for. He doesn't finish what's in a cup at any time as he forgets it's sitting beside him. By the time he reaches for it it's stone cold. It's so much easier to cope when there is an opportunity to break the day with a little drive and a walk around the shops. He is much less restless when we return home. His bobbing up and down is purely down to Dementia and nothing to do with thirst. I leave a glass of orange squash beside him so that there is something there to reach for when he looks at the table beside him. This seems to work, at least for now.
I've busied myself in the kitchen making flowers and bits and pieces for upcoming cakes this week. I show dad the various flowers as I walk past him through the living room on my way to the 'new' cake cupboard to store them.
"What do you think of these dad?" I ask.
His face lights up. "Those are beautiful," he says. "What are they for?"
I've already shown him the large cake that's just left the oven a few minutes ago, telling him it's for a wedding next weekend.
"I'm making a wedding cake dad," I tell him...again...and will repeat later.
"Very good," he says.
We were able to get out and about over the last couple of days. As I pushed him around the shopping centre in his chair, a familiar face approached us. A lady who still lives in the village where I was brought up and has known both my parents for many years stopped to say hello. My dad had no idea who she was. "Think of the Bowling Club John," the lady said. My dad looked even more confused. She told him her name and he repeated it, but it still didn't mean anything. She said to me that she was sorry to hear about my mother and apologised for not being able to make it to the funeral. There was no need to apologise, I told her. My dad was there and didn't even know who's funeral it was. I quietly told her that my dad doesn't recognise my mother in photos any more and never mentions her name, unless he's confusing me with being his wife and I ask him what my name is. Most times he'll say Mrs. Duffy but he did say Anne recently. I have stopped asking him if he knows who I am. I don't need to have him confirm his inabilities. Unless that kind of conversation is led by him I don't pursue it. But I don't let him think that I'm his wife. I will always correct him as gently as possible.
The weather has been kind although a bit too cold for dad to sit outside. At least getting some fresh air makes a lot of difference and when we got back home after drinking coffee and shopping, dad sat back on the recliner and nodded off. I went outside to the back garden and took 'dug' with me. Giving him complete peace and quiet means he'll keep his eyes closed for as long as possible and he won't appear beside me in the next 5 minutes. If I put the kettle on when I leave him to sleep I can guarantee he'll be right there as I'm pouring myself a cup of tea or when I put the cup to my lips. The difference between him thinking that he's had a 'great sleep' and actually having one is tremendous...for me that is.
I pottered around in the little memorial garden that I created for my mother. It's not complete yet but I'm in no hurry. I added a pink lantern and keep a candle burning. My dad hasn't seen it yet so I don't know what he'll make of it. I'll have to wait and see on that one.
Look what I found tucked away in a box in the shed mother. I showed it to dad and he doesn't remember. But that's okay. He can't help it. At least one of you retained the memories of 63 years of marriage. You just took them with you. It's not the way you hoped things would be but I hope that wherever you are you are watching over him and have a better understanding and smile. He'll come back to you as the man he once was...but he's holding out for telegram from the Queen. You'll have to wait a while!
I'm still here mother. I'll keep the candle burning.
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